“You have no say in what you want. The desire isn’t created. You don’t make it up. It’s blameless, shameless, innocent, childlike, and authentically you. What you want is not negotiable. It doesn’t mean that everybody has to comply, it just means that you have to accept it. ”
Julia: Hi guys, all welcome to a super juicy, episode of the podcast I have a guest here that you guys are going to fall in love with be obsessed with maybe be triggered. On this episode you heard a little about her. Her name is Kasia Urbaniak and she makes you remember this in one of her courses. We've been practicing your name so did I nail it?
Kasia: Nailed it!
Julia: We are going to dive into all things good girl conditioning and maybe even a little bad girl and talk about what that looks like. This is conscious work I mean along with so many other things she has a book coming out about it that you guys will obviously be buying at the end of this month. So we'll make sure you have all the links. but will you tell us a little bit about like how you even started to get into the good girl world and doing this work?
Kasia: Well when the school started, it really was based on a commitment to a phenomenological approach. Okay, big word. Simply. What I mean by that is approaching the school, the classroom as a pure laboratory, forgetting everything we know, forgetting everything people say, forgetting everything doing our absolute best to only, only work with what is there, what shows up. So a woman comes to class. She declares that you know she wants something. She really really really really wants. Usually she first declares what she doesn't want. So she's like letting the bitching and complaining happen because it's fruitful and useful and great, you know, rage despair disappointment. Okay, if you want all these things to get stopped Where do you want to have start get to this wonderful place where the room is starting to fill, fill, fill, fill with the things that are wanted. And then we go about discussing how do we create these things in our lives. Because anything really worth creating anything it's an illusion that things are created alone. It really really is, it’s a terrible parable and a myth, the self made man does not exist. He has a wife and the boys club John Wayne myth you literally cannot pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. It's the world's worst yoga pose expression comes from Baron Munchausen where he tried to pull himself out of a swamp by his own pigtail it's not real, it's not real and that Miss really really screws with us. So something wanted beautiful vision, many, many, many visions, what's the next step, inviting others including others, asking. So just watching what happened when. Very often, this was an ask of a man. Women ask each other for things differently than when we have to cross the gender divide. So, this woman would be like ready she'd be she'd feel like good about it, she'd have all these visions excited superpowers, and she'd sit in a room in front of the class in a chair in front of a volunteer guy. It's not the person just role playing, and all of the sudden this badass that we knew in the classroom. Then contortions into strange words strange mitigations apologies language. This compression. And it's so painful to watch. So the investigation began. What is this? And as we investigated it was this thing of appearing to be too much and too little. At the same time, not wanting to be bossy, not wanting to be me, this double bind that many have pointed out, this double bottom that sort of is the is a major feature of the current woman's girl's upbringing, like your kids are too small until they're too big or too aggressive You're too passive you're oftentimes a slut or a prude or both at the same time, it's a no win situation.
Julia: Yep.
Kasia: And, you know, when it comes to because of my previous experience as a dominatrix it became really easy for me to just tag these two different states of being too much into battle as dominant and submissive I tried, from my experience of that was not to call them human young I tried to lead it it was like, you know, reading a menu to a bunch of secrets was like life. So we started talking about, like, a few exaggerated being super dominant. And like bossy, and demanding, and then you really really exaggerated being like, inside your own experience submissive fueling everything in the context of this really some magic would happen. We started investigating what that magic was breaking of that compression that too much too little bind. And all of a sudden came flooding out in the breaking of the conditioning and awareness of the condition. And in that in that awareness suddenly it started to make so much sense. For millennia. A woman ambitious woman woman wanted something of her life wanted something wanted to experience things. Her best chance and this is still true in parts of the world. Her best chance of getting anywhere, anywhere near that her ambition her dreams is to marry well. But what makes a good wife, what makes a good candidate for a wife, someone who's not a burden, but an asset, low maintenance, no human being as low maintenance. We're all high maintenance is resourceful makes do with what she has is modest does not tout her accomplishments, definitely does not have any of her own sexual desire, that's just something that's you know Sleeping Beauty I'm in a coma.
Julia: Until you kiss me and then I wake up perfectly for you.
Kasia: Sexual desire comes from the outside and only sanctioned by the right Prince, right. So, a lot of the good girl qualities are also really phenomenal harmonizing CFO. Being nurturing de escalating conflict, be even being resourceful making do with what you have. these are phenomenal qualities. Yeah. Good luck conditioning is not a problem. The problem is that it's conditioned and invisible to us in 10,000 ways.
Kasia: So, when when a woman apologizes too much and notices that she attacks her software. When a woman doesn't speak up, but instead phrases. She beat herself up for it. When a woman asks for only half of what she actually needs to get a job done. And then makes do with what she has she kicks herself for, not realizing that this landscape of general conditioning is so damn universal that it's possible to create exercises in a school that help everybody who shows up, you know, that universality kind of proves that it's not your personal psychological problem, he handled in journals and in therapy sessions therapy is great but that's not what we're doing here. What we're doing here is the fastest, good girl jailbreak we can possibly imagine.
Kasia: So, what so what what happens right, it requires observing your attention and acquires elevating your own ability to perceive certain things. So, there's nothing wrong with doing all these good things. What's infuriating is when the good girl autoresponder kicks in, says yes rushes to the crisis helps her help hasn't been asked for apologizes shrinks is everywhere all at once. Before we even catch ourselves.
Kasia: One of the most dramatic things I started noticing in classes that, you know, especially before the pandemic even for some people still now. Everyone's so busy, busy, busy and the women are so busy, and so I wanted to find out what basis. Of course, job kids home, we know when we're dating whatever whatever like okay yeah but let's go minute by minute. Where does your intellectual emotional and physical energy go. So we started doing this thing called the invisible labor inventory and some women at the end of one single day were absolutely floored they knew they were doing a lot of uncredited unacknowledged unappreciated undercover help work, but some of them, when going minute by minute 10 minute by 10 minute blocks, they really logged it could do the math and come to a percentage as high as 80%. I mean, 80%.
Julia: Unacknowledged, unaware labor.
Kasia: Right, including like figuring someone out trying to make guesses about how to. And where does that leave time for a passion project where does that leave time for self care, where does that leave time for forging powerful relationships, where does that even leave time for doing late Academy homework. Early. Yeah and then like taking metaphysical labor go like, now I'm no longer in goodwill conditioning because I see it, and some of the things you automatically stopped doing some of the things you delegate away some of the things you do but with your whole heart and free will and choice. And don't even care that you're not getting credit for it, some of them you make visible and take credit for it, some of it you ask for payment because the idea or some kind of reward because the idea, this is this is the other thing that's funny that I that I learned, phenomenologically, in the classroom is when we started teaching, a lot of asking. It's so many women will do something. Using the principle of reciprocity as a substitute for asking. And it never works.
Julia: And then you’re just pissed.
Kasia: Yeah, no it doesn't work because when you do something for someone you're in the role of Dewar and they're in the role of receiver and a flip is required it's they're not going to nobody flips on their own, they're like, oh, that this is the person who I can count on for this. So, good girl conditioning, big topic, big, big. The main thing that in this time in the world that I feel really really passionate about around breaking women out of good girl conditioning so they can choose what kind of good, what kind of bad. What kind of wild. What kind of loving, they want to be or need to be or is right for them. Right now, in the world. If you look at all of the qualities that describe a good girl. She is absolutely 100% designed to maintain the status quo. She keeps things running smoothly, as they are. And in my book there's this opening to that section that goes named one good girl who change the world. You can't, because she can't. It's not what she's designed for. She doesn't ruffle feathers, she doesn't make that change. And, you know, even Mother Teresa was a bad girl, she questioned her faith, she came from a wealthy family she did something really controversial, and she was always questioning. She broke a lot of rules that she was raised with and then inside of her own religion.
Kasia: So, in the in this moment in allowing for women to consciously show up as something other than the conditioning has default to is the story now my life purpose.
Julia: The key, the reason why she's here. So, what I love and just like I feel like brains are exploding right now because it's all so good, they're like oh my god someone sees me and just named all of the things that is the world of being a woman and girl and opening. But what I love is like it all comes back to awareness and this is what every exercise. I find in your Academy and when I watch you like speak and bring things it's like the first step always has to be awareness. Always.
Kasia: Yeah.
Julia: And so then you play with it and you're like, what I love about what you do is that it's so like what you said it's practical application in the moment, because nothing changed when we're all like listening to the podcast so what's something like what if we can break it down right now for somebody. Is there a way that we can give them that experience to see like to feel that smush that you call of like, and we kind of went there like you were talking with around like too much, not enough, but you have an example of someone like right now in pandemic time of like what the free how the freeze is happening with, like, you need to be busy, but not too busy right now, or you need to go out but also stay home and how it's paralyzing us from really doing what we could be doing with this time and with this energy.
Kasia: Okay so that feels like five different questions.
Julia: Probably.
Kasia: Help me out and pick one to start with.
Julia: Okay, so what's your favorite example right now, of how this smush is holding women back from being an agent of change in the pandemic?
Kasia: The one that's sticking in my mind is actually not from the pandemic. And it's, it's first in line so I can't see who else is in line. But this has to do with an asset class. Actually it was a money class, it was our power with money class. And there was a student who wanted her ex husband to pay his half of her kids doctor's bills. And the kid needed extra medical help. And it turned out to be like a few thousand dollars. And it didn't feel right. It didn't feel quite right, because it felt like, even if she did, she would still be really angry with felt really incomplete. Right. So, this speaks to good girl conditioning but this also speaks to expectations we have others and patterns that we fall into facets we see of each other, and how to create radical change really quickly in another person because people say you can't change someone else and that's absolutely not true, because there are many many faceted diamonds and we get stuck facing the same facet and miraculous appearing change happens when you can spend that diamond and really two different facets members and so that's what happened in the sense. She started with, you know, half of the doctor's bills and I was like, okay, something's up here. So, it turns out that last year you pay half the doctor's bills either. So I was like okay so now you're talking about twice the amount of money. So that's it, that's the thing that was missing. That's the thing that was missing. Yeah, but still something. Still something was up. I had to ask her if you forgot everything you knew about this man, and you wanted him to show up as amazing and you were willing to move through that rage of how he's not amazing forget it just for now and come up with an ask that would just make him show up as amazing. What would the ask be? Buy me a house. House me and your children. Boom.
Julia: Now we’re talking.
Kasia: The lights went on in the room. And it felt good to her such, a bad girl ask, “buy me a house”. She did. He went from being the worm who wasn't paying half the doctor's bills to the hero who could provide for his ex-wife and his children. Within two weeks, and she not only said, “I want a house,” but, “I want you to do all the work and finding it”.
Kasia: And she said with tears in her eyes, “I suddenly saw the man I married 20 years ago. And the vision I had on that wedding day for what I'd like to be like together.” So bad girl ask not so bad.
Julia: Yeah, so like I think everyone listening, probably has some variation where it's like you can see where you're asking for a crumb or part of what you want, you're like no way and how can I ever for what I really really want. And I think what really stood out in what you just shared is like that you have to push her I would assume it's not our comfort and our normal things like, I'm going to see him as amazing and I'm going to forget everything I know and all evidence of how this show.
Kasia: Yes, I mean, the funny thing is, it takes some work to, to imagine these things. But the ask that is in correspondence with 100% of what we actually really really want and then takes it takes some time to get to what you really really really want. We live in such a fast society where you're just supposed to know, you know you like, if somebody asked you what do you want to buy them know you look like an idiot like you're supposed to have goals, you're supposed to know like your action plan like what you want. And really it's a really tender conversation between yourself and yourself to like get to that place it takes it takes no matter what size it is when you're speaking from that place of 100%, of what I want. The chances of getting a yes are so much higher and this is the surprising thing to students but the chances of getting a yes are so much higher. And if you get a no. And we teach how to, how to work with a no. If you get a no, the entirety of the requests is known. You are fully grounded in what it is that you want. Even if you get a no it changes again. It really really does. It also signals to the other person who you see them as being capable of being or becoming. Because it's not a favor to ask. Very little especially of our partners we ask very little, we are giving them the role of a worm, or lazy.
Julia: We set them up to fail.
Kasia: Yeah. Yeah. And the other thing is when you ask for that, you know, we. Another good girl things you negotiate against yourself before you even get, you know, you have no say in what you want you don't invent your desires, you don't create them, they come up on their own. You have no say in it so if you have no say in what you want, and then you're you're you're you're dealing with that. If you start negotiating internal against yourself and ask for less. You're not only not doing anyone a favor. You're doing a person who listens to you and goes through the trouble of actually doing it, a huge disservice. Because when they deliver that 99% when they deliver that 40% that you ask, or whatever it is. What they don't get to see, they don't get to see you light up. And you can go, “Oh my god. Thank you, you’re amazing.” All you fucking want. On an animal level human beings know when they hit the spot and when they haven't happened over time, is if a person is doing a 99% favor or 40% favor and not getting that I hit the spot part, they start feeling useless like a failure and they don't like trying anymore. And that's somehow, sometimes when we get locked into relationships where the other person's always unknown, because they have a lot of experience with going through the trouble of doing it, and then not doing the thing.
Julia: Because you set them up for a small percentage of your desire instead of being someone that knows how to ask for the whole fucking thing.
Kasia: Yeah, yeah, yeah and and here here, like, you know, in the academy headquarters we have this giant sign that says can you use this against yourself. We run all the exercises through it, it's almost impossible to come up with something that a woman can’t use against herself. all of you out there right now going I've ruined everything cause I never ask for 100% and I don't even know what I want.
Julia: She just read your mind, and now we're going to talk about.
Kasia: Oh well yeah that's that's the other thing, you know, one of the things that solidifies with both conditions hardcore into our systems is not like you could talk about the patriarchy was not necessarily men.
Julia: Mm hmm.
Kasia: You know from out of love, out of love, our mothers our ancestors is taught us to police ourselves by policing this out of love. And now we still live in a time where most places if you wear a skirt that's too short, you get raped. It's your fault, and women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you gonna be stoned to that I mean, we're looking I mean, so of course the instruction. I love my daughter, you know, the instruction is watch yourself. Watch yourself. Watch yourself police yourself. And this habit of some tag is much stronger in women than it isn't men. I've seen it over and over men attack themselves, but like, how many men are worried about being too much. They're usually worried about being not enough. Women are worried about being too much, and not enough at the same time and the self policing that comes the self policing like I was that stupid did I do this, did I do that, that self attack. We have this illusion that, you know, the carrot and the stick, that the carrot on the stick is the way to create change. It's the carrot that works not the stick. When a woman beats herself up for doing something, she'll only do it more cuz that's what she's paying attention to. she can have 97% victory and 3% wobble. Only think about the wobble, and always be is the fucking 30%. I mean, woman. A woman gets an opportunity to make a speech, right, she spends time thinking about what she wants to say she memorizes what she wants to say the morning of she dresses she takes showers picks the outfit she gets her PowerPoint together, she shows up at the place she says delivering the speech. Everything is great she flubs one line she keeps going and she gets accolades she goes backstage and goes that one line!
Julia: It will haunt her for life.
Kasia: within the three months of awesomeness that preceded it right. And now, now I have to say another thing. The most frequent response to hearing about self attack is self attacking for self attacking, I was just gonna
Julia: People listening are like but I don't get it but I do get it but now I'm just beating myself.
Kasia: Yeah, So you know the wonderful thing about the mechanism the psychological mechanism that makes self attack possible. Is this incredible architecture of awareness, with every detail. And if you already have. Do this and this education the brain synapses you already have this architecture of noticing every single detail to pick the one that's off and feel terrible about it. You also have the architecture to pick 1000 different details to celebrate that how that weirdness exists so we can think we can take that self attack mechanism and use that same same habitual machinery for self celebration. And it actually ends up being a superpower, in a way that it does is kind of an edge over men who can have like a big boast the brag, that's kind of broad, but not 1000 rich nuanced ones.
Julia: Because women have that muscle and it's usually turned against ourselves but we can turn it into a good fitness superpower.
Kasia: Yeah.
Julia: So fucking good. So guys there's hope. If you're like, holy shit. This has been my whole life, one obviously, sign up for all of the programs and courses in The Academy, read the book do the things. But what's like, how do we start to like look at the bad girl side of thinga.
Kasia: It was very very controversial exercise, outside of a classroom, this requires extra responsibility. Okay. But since you asked, we have a really fun exercise called Bad Girl protocol. And it's really simple. But one must exercise, exquisite care in doing this exercise. So, basically,you write the sentence. If I were a bad girl. I would, and we say bad girl it's a little bit condescending you know Bad Girl, but it's because that bad girl, those two words, tend to have the right trigger.
Julia: Yeah as an activation.
Kasia: Bad girl. bad girl. If I were a bad girl, I would, and fill in the blank, and repeat over and over again, over and over again until you run out of steam. It's really fun to do in a group or with a friend, because it extends your imagination.
Julia: Yes.
Kasia: Do not do any of these things. I guess the bad girl playing Call it really vicious because the viciousness we express in towards ourselves as good girls ends up being viciousness that goes outward when we play with being a backroom. So, the really really important part is that the more free This exercise is, the more dark, evil, greedy, selfish, lazy, all of the things we would never want to be, never even think about doing violent terrible terrible terrible things in this huge archive, what ends up appearing is some things that may be ruthlessly loving, or actually not bad at all, or creative, because all of the things that anytime we have a motive to quiet silence suppress the sides of ourselves. It's not just the bad things that get hidden in that closet. And it's time to take those things out. Allow them to err see the light of day, and allow some of them to mature, allow some of them to evolve, anger, rage, the desire for revenge, often falls within it the greatest passion, love desire for something to change. Belief, clarity, direction, depressive sides, sadness, all leads to some of our most tender vulnerable desires. So, the bad girl in every class. The Bad Girl burgle there's things on it of course like I would go to my boss and pee on his desk, dig a little to get to the desire.
Julia: Again you guys don't do the things, just let yourself think the things.
Kasia: But other ones are like if I were a bad girl, I would wake up whatever time I wanted or I would get exercise every day.
Julia: I want my kids to get their own breakfast so that I can work out.
Kasia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in that, you know, once all bets are off the prohibition is lifted. Some of the most beautiful creative things start to appear because our imagination is liberated. Scientific studies have shown that self attack is the number one killer of creativity. So if we're talking about our own behavior and we take all of that. Just go. Yes, we're going to be terrible. Let's do a religious free for all the imagination starts to wake up. And all of a sudden it's not a question anymore of is this good is this bad, it's more like is this alive, alive or dead. Is this alive in life in gendering, or is it both these are these rules dead have no meaning. This conformity and it becomes really organic and natural to start behaving like your own wild crazy genius brilliant life loving erotic fully self expressed self. When you witness that in the area that says do not enter, there are treasures to be mined.
Julia: Yeah. And one of the things I think that stood out in taking the class and doing that exercise with you now a few times. is like you kind of know that when you let people go into that, like swing into the dark side, it's only going to end up like allowing and opening up those floodgates for women to have more power, more money, more influence in the world and do really good shit. But you have to be that person that lets them go there so that they can swing both ways and I just like, I think it's so delicious and so many of us think we can just get to the good side and do more good in the world, if we just focus on that only and don't let ourselves look at the shadowy shit and you're like oh no you have to play in that playground, like throw some sand in somebody's eye. Smash their sandcastle. That's the only way you're getting to the other place and it's just such a cool exercise to watch. Yesterday someone on a dating app asked me and they were like if you could commit one crime, what would it be? And I totally went into the good girl listening to this. I'm like, Well, I would like Robin Hood it and I'd still like I skim a billion off all the top white men billionaires in the world and then redistribute it. And now I'm like, oh my God, what a good girl thing to say. And now I kinda want to go back and be like, so I was doing this exercise. Can I share with you my bad girl exercise? But seriously, that that permission is so huge so for anyone that's listening, you can totally do the exercise with caution. Writing down if I were a bad girl, I would, and then rip up your list. You don't have to act on any of it but see what new desires, it sounds like start to like be available to you because of that freedom
Kasia: and also you mentioned the swing, because just even voicing some, some of the dark things, and meeting it with approval. Right. Pleasure. When you do swing you do feel a whole lot more generous. A whole lot more loving. And also there's a, you know, I really detest how in language, we've identified these two terms selfless and selfish. And it's really hard for me to locate an action that doesn't it's not the action itself it's like the motive can have components of both, or it's not as the language around selfish and selfless is incredibly deceptive. Because if I have, especially if I'm working in a smaller group and I have a woman who is really really really really afraid of being selfish, and we're working over a period of time, I know your assignment is to be outrageously selfish and she does only selfish things like selfish selfish selfish. Oh what a terrible thing to be getting filled up right she starts getting really really really full of everything she needs everything she wants, and the tendency, and especially if she's supervised but the tendency when you get selfish enough suddenly your cup runs over. Yeah. Suddenly you're generous, you're not like feeling scarce and what and what you have to offer what spills over is of a really rich and abundant quality. Conversely, go into selflessness long enough and your needs start showing up you can't be endlessly selfless. Like that division to me doesn't really work like it. We are a whole organisms like whole organisms, we need the right amount of water.
Julia: Like literally need
Kasia: Literally need them. praise love support, encouragement sunlight air right in order to blossom and produce fruit that is intensely generous because it has 1000 seeds in it. It's a natural thing we see you know we have a scholarship for activists at the school and activists are really fun to work with because they're doing so much good in the world but oftentimes that selfish piece is so important for them, because if you have an activist, that is dry on the inside starving. And when they're screaming and fighting for their cause they might be some of them in advertently spreading the scarcity that they're trying to overcome. So, you know, it's the good girl little girl, this is selfish. This is selfless. And we much prefer the language around well this is alive like this feels alive to me this feels like the thing that makes my entire body feels expansive not contracting. And in that sense, being embodied and having a really good body barometer is something we all can tap into and it takes some practice and I know many are practicing this letting your body telling you things. What makes you feel alive. What makes you feel expansive, regardless of what you know. We were born into a world that already has an idea about what a successful career looks like what a success relationship looks like what a successful family looks like we make that up, we come in with that menu, you know, people's ideas, what's your unique idea of what a phenomenal. It might be so off the menu that it's as unique as you are.
Julia: Surprise, it probably is. So for everyone listening, it's like, I think this opens up such a permission slip for them to start thinking about gauging that like what's alive for me right now, instead of like, Do I want this Do I not want that, it's such a heady practice to think of it that way versus like, could you visualize like the worst case scenario and the best case and does that even bring you to life right now. Or do you need something else is there, like, what is that I don't know if this is such like an individual thing but I'm curious, it sounds like you can see when you're leading a class that like light up moment when somebody came alive. Is there like any commonalities or…I'm just thinking how we can stretch people listening to be like, oh shit yeah, I have some space to go on finding my aliveness again.
Kasia: Okay, well, what you're referring to in class is another thing that was, you know, in a phenomenological experiment kind of shocking to see. So I'll give you two examples and then something that someone listening can actually try to engage with. So, two different scenarios. The first one is the right sized ask, right, which is something we talked about earlier. It wasn't just me, that knew that the house was a big. Watching the bodies in the room. Once that spot was hit. Everyone's body shifted. Even the woman in the corner, who was checking out wasn't even fully aware what was going on, everyone shifted. Everyone shifted. Everyone knew. We used to do this really fun exercise that we had to take it out of the curriculum because it was too traumatizing. I would call on a student to, like, when I felt like I was starting to move out of my body, and he needed grounding I would pick a student and surprise them with the assignment of slapping the teacher. And so I'd have the student next to me be like, here’s your reward, you get to slap me, but I want you to think of a number between one and 10 of how hard you feel I need to be slapped, and I want everyone in the room to also think of a number between one and 10 that you know and we would calibrate we do a light one at one harder one slightly harder one to three right and they would see my body react, it would feel something every single time. Every single time. When the room was asked on a scale of one to 10. What was your guest before this happens. Everyone says, I knew the same exact number, or like one number off. Never, never, never wasn't like 286, it's like 777-778-7776 right. So, how do we all know that.
Julia: Mm hmm.
Kasia: And another another example is a woman doing a roleplay where she's confronting. She's confronting her boyfriend who molested her kid. And we have a very emotional exchange. And I asked her if she's ready to, like, really go all out and give it to them. We have a male volunteer who's ready for this ready to stand in the place, and just take it right, ready, and she gets up on stage and she begins. And so much happens to the beginning of so much happens in her. The but the energy and the attention that lands on him. When I asked the entire room This was a class of about 80. And I asked the entire room. When I asked her on a scale of one to 10. How much did your anger lend. She said, eight. The whole room said two. So, I give you these three examples in order to maybe reinforce or introduce the idea that there is a spot to hit, and that there is a part of your body that will respond when that sparks hit. There is a, an exercise, we use to reinforce a woman's feeling of legitimacy about what she wants. So, you have no say in what you want, but putting it into language, making it specific seeing if it's the right size giving it detail is a journey. And what's incredibly helpful is to use the legitimacy exercise that I'm about to describe sort of like as a chamber of desire creation. Not creation but let's say discovery refinement. So you start with something that you think you want and feel your body get really really into any sensations in the body. And imagine that you've got it imagine that it's a yes. Then, move into the emotional body How does it feel what emotions come up. And then finally, intellectually. What is this thing possible for you when doors open. And we do this cycle three times and as that journey occurs, you start practicing the art of communicating with your physical body, your emotional body your intellectual body, getting them all aligned with where you want, and as you go, each cycle. The desire takes on more detail. It takes on more richness. It takes on it gets more and more grounded in our physical being, so that when we go out into the world, our signal broadcasts that cleanly. Oftentimes, just knowing that, and doing that is enough for someone to feel like the animal self like, Oh, you know sometimes you want to hug, but you're in a state where all of you screaming. Stay the fuck away from me. But if you get right with receiving a hug and you're like yeah that would feel really good right now. You'd be surprised how many people suddenly just want to give you a hug.
Julia: And I think that's like, and tell me what you think is like it almost allows you to the words and how you ask for it matter so much less because it's already in your body, and you're available for it in such a different way that like you could totally have that like fucked up sentence or flub it or whatever. And people are like, I know what you want, I got.
Kasia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What we're talking about is full whole whole world of communication that's below the level of language, but it's not in the category of like, body language or power poses, it's really like. If the words you speak tell somebody else what to think that how you are about it tells them how to feel about it and if we ask for something we want we're bracing for an attack, some part of them gets the message that if I give this to her, I will be attacking her and it makes them sense but it makes the communication wobbly. We are as humanity I think in the infancy of our development, you know, there's just so much more for us to grow and learn and really see about each other see about the possibilities and the potential and the incredible opportunity that we have as human beings. We're in the beginning and I just don't we don't blow it all up before we get there, but we like you know wreck it before we leave kindergarten.
Julia: Wow, thank God for your sandbox, and your laboratory and the Academy, so people can come play and do all of these things. Because it takes a lot of practice and a lot of safe space, and I know you hold a lot too. so I just want to appreciate you for that let you know how important it is and everyone just like buy everything she offers. But the best way to do is to practice, and that's why I think it's so good like we can talk about it here all day long, but until someone feels those experiences that you've just described, where you light up or you're in a room and you notice that “phenomenon”, and it's like, oh, that's what the fuck she means. And that smush. And that freeze.
Kasia: So I don't normally talk about this but I just inspired me to share something about where, where we're headed and what's happening right now in terms of the Academy, and this is a little bit around the book but not exactly. The practice component in community, seeing other women do exercises and doing exercises in front of other women with other women is such a key ingredient in accessing that place where you're feeling and understanding and knowing from a body based level that I want to reach more women than I can physically teach. So, a lot of stuff has gone into how to authentically transmit this experience. Without getting into bullshit conversations, about scaling a business that therefore changes its fundamental nature.
Julia: Right.
Kasia: Well, what we, what we have. Just for fun. The students are referred to as mistresses and before anyone gets sort of a reliever this mistress not as a dominatrix but if you notice there is no other feminine term for master. So, our mistresses. They all form practice groups, not all but very very many and right now we have practice groups all over the globe. We have them in Africa we have them in Australia. It doesn't cost anything to be part of this group. And so, class, or work on an exercise or bought the book can start a practice Group, a mistress group. And what we're working on right now is offering free resources for women around the globe who are forming these groups, so that they can continue their education and not necessarily be dependent upon the next time, there's a free spot in a class with almost never come there's an eight month waiting lists for almost everything except, except for our good group reform school month long thing which I'll talk about in a second. But the point is, right, we want to we want to, we want to reach million women, we want women to be powerful influential free spoken unbound. And having a great time at taking over the world, perhaps,
Julia: Yes please. A lot of that.
Kasia: Yeah, yeah, I mean even just looking at how you know the female leaders dealt with a pandemic. It's kind of how much more evidence do we need, there's just evidence after evidence like put women in charge of things look pretty nice for everyone.
Julia: Yeah, I guess when we keep shining the spotlight. Cool. So tell us about the book and the things and how people can just like dip their toes in or deep dive into all of this world that we just shared.
Kasia: Okay, so in, in our, in our desire to get as many women having experiences, not just information is the book. It's called unbound, the woman's guide to power is really the best of the curriculum so moving through it during the exercise. During the exercises, is a profound experience doing with a friend. Even better, doing it in a group, even better. In order to inspire women to have more experiences with this rather than just reading the book and sort of glossing over the exercises and like, because there's some really really juicy fun parts of the book just to read without doing anything. But working in community, working with your friends working with others it speeds up the process so much that we have decided that any woman who pre-orders a copy of Unbound: A Woman's Guide to power, any woman who pre-orders, the book before August gets a free seat in our class on breaking, good girl conditioning. All she has to do is email us a receipt of the book purchase. And there's instructions on our website, we can you know give you more instructions on how to do that, but a free seat in a class that is specifically geared towards the fast, effective, good girl jailbreak. So also I have a TED talk that just was released, definitely watch that. and they just did this really cool event called a call to your night with like Oprah, Oprah, Deepak Chopra, Dalai Lama was boasting are really really really really really really, it's like it's your listeners that I want in this tab free to buy you can buy a cup of coffee for your friends if you want. If you want them to have a free seat take cost together. To start a mistress group. And this mistress group thing you know it's like. Again, it's also, you know, my classes are expensive. And, out of which a lot of people, this is a way to continue the education in a way that doesn't really require them. So, I'm committed to both I'm committed as a woman who practice practices what she preaches charging the value that I have for the classes but I'll find a way to make this educational accessible, which is in alignment with my commitment to changing the world. That's a lot. I just said, that's the most I've ever said about this.
Julia: As you should I mean I'm already committed to buying the book for all my private clients and my mastermind people so they'll just get that but everyone else was like to get access to your work for the cost of a fucking book is a no brainer. Buy it for everybody that you know, invite them to show up whether they do or they don't. I mean, we could force them and give them a little bad girl slap to be there.
Kasia: I'm sure it's not necessary. It's also going to be really fun for me because it's online but it's like it's taught by me I will be interacting with people in the room. Well fun to start talking to an audience of people who, who read a book, you know, who like. Anyway, it's I'm really really really looking forward to it.
Julia: Yeah, buy the book, sign up for all the things, get on any waitlist that you can, watch the TED talk you also have a free training on your work, there's just so many resources you guys if you're a verbal self defense dojo where you can learn how to combat the moments where you get stuff, frozen in speech.
Kasia: That's right.
Julia: That's a good, that's a great there's all the things which is part of your, your mission to be accessible and obviously just feed all of us because there's such a need such a hunger for all of this and I know everyone listening is resonating hardcore with everything so thank you for the work. Thank you for sharing all of this, and being just like a way out and a solution to more freedom, power, influence money, pleasure, all the fucking things that we want. And that we. Anything else that you just have to share or say, or leave us with?
Kasia: Yeah. I think just like one powerful sentence to sit there with for a moment, is just the idea that you have no say in what you want. The desire isn’t created. You don't make it up.
Julia: Mic drop!
Kasia: It’s blameless, shameless, innocent, childlike and authentically you. What you want is not negotiable. It doesn't mean that everybody has to comply, it just means that you just have to accept it.
Julia: And if you're like oh shit that is so far from my reality. This is why she has a body for everything by the book see the things go find her watch the TED Talk send her some love. Is there anywhere on social media you like people try and find you?
Kasia: @realkasiaurbaniak on Instagram and weteachpower.com is our website.
Julia: Yeah. Just buy the fucking book. We will put all the links in the show notes, it'll be great if you have questions they can always message me and we'll make sure. Do you have a cap on how many people can buy the book in the in the class right now?
Kasia: No, but if too many people end up doing this we might split it into subgroups.
Julia: All right you guys. Challenge accepted. Let's blow up all her glasses.
Kasia: I think one woman bought 50 books today so we'll see what happens.
Julia: Yeah, that's kind of my plan after this. All right, thank you for being here. Thank you for just sharing all of your wisdom being who you are in the world. I super appreciate you.
Kasia: Thank you I super appreciate you. This has been a wonderful.
